This post shows you the 10 Things to Figure Out Before Starting a Family.
What do we talk about when we talk about baby planning? We usually get caught up in baby names, baby clothes, and how we’re going to decorate the nursery… but there are so many important conversations to have with your partner before you start a family.
I’m not saying that these conversations are a one-time thing.
This is marriage, partnership, call it whatever you like… but this is the “hard” work that will prepare you for your most important role in life!
So, in this post, I’ve prepared ten important things to figure out before starting a family, and let me tell you, some of them are quite tough!
But it’s nothing you can’t talk about with your partner to prepare for the best part of your life!
1 How Will We Divide Parenting Duties During the Newborn Stage?
Those first few weeks (and months) with a newborn can be exhausting, messy, and beautiful all at once. The reality? It’s easy to mess this up if you don’t discuss responsibilities in advance.
It’s so easy to leave feeding, diaper changes, and putting the baby to sleep to the mom… and everything else to the dad. But this can be exhausting.
Talk about parenting duties before the baby comes
Who’s handling middle-of-the-night wake-ups?
Who’s in charge of diaper changes?
Who will provide food, go grocery shopping, and do meal prep?
How are we going to split household chores?
If the mom is breastfeeding, how will the dad provide support?
Instead of waiting to figure things out in the moment (when sleep deprivation is at its peak), have an honest conversation about how to support each other.
It’s not about splitting everything 50/50 but about being a team and making sure no one feels overwhelmed or resentful.
2 How Will We Maintain a Strong Connection as a Couple Once We Have Kids?
Now, you may think this is the last thing on your mind, but staying connected as a couple is extremely important.
Before the baby came, it was the two of you. You still need to be the two of you (with a wonderful new third member), so talk about how you’ll keep your relationship strong.
Talk about nurturing your relationship
Will you set aside weekly date nights, even if it’s just takeout on the couch?
How will you communicate when one of you is feeling disconnected?
What are small ways you can show love and appreciation for each other daily?
Also, discuss boundaries with extended family. Are you comfortable having help with childcare so you can have alone time, or will you rely on each other in the beginning?
Parenthood changes everything, but a strong relationship is the foundation of a happy family.
3 What Are Our Thoughts on Public Versus Private Schooling or Homeschooling?
You may think, Wow, we’re just having a baby; we don’t need to talk about school, but trust me, you want to be on the same page when it comes to education.
We all assume we’ll just go with the flow, but you need to talk about this before starting a family.
Education is one of the biggest decisions parents make for their children. Before starting a family, it’s a great idea to discuss your long-term vision for schooling.
Talk about the importance of education for your kid
Do you prefer public school, private school, or homeschooling?
If a private school is an option, how will it fit into your budget?
What are your thoughts on early education?
Will your child attend preschool or stay home longer?
Even if you don’t have an answer yet, aligning your values now can help avoid major disagreements later.
Keep in mind that opinions might change over time, but it’s always good to be on the same page as much as possible.
This way, you can plan! Maybe you’ll need to move, or maybe you’ll need to work toward that promotion early so you can save and invest.
There are a lot of moving pieces here, but it’s important to be on the same page.
4 How Will We Handle Different Parenting Styles or Philosophies?
No two people were raised the exact same way, and once you have a child, those differences in parenting styles can quickly become a source of conflict.
In my home, my husband and I do things our own way, and we were both brought up in such different families.
What was really important to us was having a common perception and plan for how we were going to raise our kid. And we talked about this years before starting a family.
Maybe one of you believes in gentle parenting, while the other is more traditional. Maybe one of you grew up with strict rules while the other had a more relaxed upbringing.
Discuss different parenting styles
How will you handle discipline?
What values are most important to you?
How will you navigate differences without undermining each other?
Having this conversation now doesn’t mean you’ll always agree, but it does mean you’ll have a foundation of understanding to work from.
5 What Kind of Relationship Do We Want Our Child to Have With the Extended Family?
I already mentioned setting boundaries with family before the baby comes. It’s very important to communicate your needs.
Maybe you really want help, but then you realize you’re better off alone because you need time to heal.
Maybe you already know that you want to do things on your own and then spend time with family once you recover.
Whatever you decide, there’s no compromise here. It’s about what’s best for the mom.
You may not like my answer, and you may think I’m biased since I’m a mom, but listen, moms need time to heal and feel good, and babies need moms who feel good.
On the other hand, I know that family dynamics can be complicated, and once you have a child, they become even more important.
Talk about your extended family before becoming parents
How involved do you want grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other relatives to be?
Are there any boundaries you need to set now?
When can they come and see the baby?
Will you allow sleepovers with family members?
Some parents are excited for lots of extended family involvement, while others prefer more independence.
Whatever your situation, clear communication will help avoid future misunderstandings or conflicts.
6 How Do We Feel About Exposing Our Child to Social Media and Technology?
As a mom who works in the digital world, media, and data, I can assure you this was my biggest nightmare.
Technology is everywhere, and whether we like it or not, our children will grow up in a digital world. But how much exposure is too much?
Here, I really think you should do some research. Find the best child psychiatrist in your area, see if there’s a workshop you can attend, Google things online, watch the Netflix documentary The Social Dilemma, and see what published neuroscientists have to say about screen time.
You can’t do this alone! Both parents need to be on top of this!
Talk about the role of technology before becoming parents
Will you share photos of your child online, or do you prefer to keep their life private?
At what age will they get their own devices?
What are your thoughts on screen time, video games, and social media accounts?
Will they watch TV?
Will you give your child your phone when they’re having a hard time?
Will you organize family movie nights and watch TV together?
How will you set up parental controls on your devices?
Are you ready for your child to be labeled as an outcast if they don’t have a phone until they’re older?
Instead of waiting until your child is old enough to ask for a phone, discuss your boundaries and expectations now so you’re prepared when the time comes.
7 What Financial “Sacrifices” Are We Willing to Make for Our Child’s Well-Being?
If you read my blog, you’ll often see that I absolutely despise the word sacrifice. I simply look at things from a different angle.
If you want thing B, then you need to do thing A, as A → B.
But in our culture, we nurture the idea of martyrs who sacrifice for everything, and suddenly, the thing we have to do is some sort of crazy sacrifice where we ruin our lives!
So, in order to have a baby, you need to sacrifice your body, youth, relationship, and, worst of all, money!
This is not true. It’s just so wrong!
What is absolutely true is that having a child changes your financial priorities. But that doesn’t mean you won’t actively figure things out and enjoy the process!
Before starting a family, talk about how your budget will shift and what financial “sacrifices” you’re willing to make.
Talk about money and finances
Will one of you stay home for a period of time?
Will you both continue working?
Are you prepared for daycare costs, medical expenses, and the reality of raising a child?
How do you feel about saving for college or other long-term investments?
Money can be a huge source of stress for parents, but an honest discussion can help set realistic expectations and financial goals.
And by talking about money before starting a family, you won’t feel like you’re sacrificing anything. You’ll just feel like a normal parent who puts their child first!
8 How Will We Manage Differences in Cultural or Religious Backgrounds?
If you and your partner come from different cultural or religious backgrounds, it’s essential to discuss how you’ll incorporate both into your child’s life.
Talk about religion and cultural heritage before starting a family
Will your child be raised in a specific faith, or will you expose them to multiple traditions?
How will you celebrate the holidays?
Are there certain customs, languages, or traditions that are important to pass down?
Will you raise your child to be bilingual?
If you have different views, this conversation will help you find a balanced approach that works for both of you.
I’m not saying you have to agree on everything, but very few couples end up happy with a compromise if one person feels strongly about something and the other just doesn’t understand.
9 How Do We Want to Approach Teaching Our Child About Consent and Bodily Autonomy?
Consent and bodily autonomy aren’t just teenage conversations, they start from day one.
I don’t want my child to feel like they have to hug someone just because it’s the polite thing to do. My husband wants our child to learn how to say no to anyone who wants to touch them if they feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes, extended family will have trouble understanding this. Back in their time, it was considered polite to give Grandpa a kiss.
Talk about consent and body autonomy
Will you allow relatives to hug or kiss your child if they’re uncomfortable?
How will you teach body safety and ensure your child knows they have control over their own body?
How will you teach your child to say no without getting angry?
Many parents today focus on teaching consent early, reinforcing that a child never has to hug, kiss, or be physically affectionate if they don’t want to. And I think this is 100% the right way to do things!
This is an important topic to discuss now so that both of you model the same behaviors when the time comes. You need to be on the same page here!
10 What Support Systems Will We Rely On, and How Will We Ask for Help When We Need It?
Parenting is incredibly rewarding, but it’s also exhausting. Before starting a family, talk about who you’ll turn to for help.
Plan your support system
Do you have supportive family and friends nearby?
Are you open to hiring help (like a postpartum doula or babysitter)?
How will you divide responsibilities so neither of you feels burned out?
Most importantly, how will you communicate when you need help?
Many parents struggle to ask for support, but planning for it beforehand can make a huge difference.
Starting a family is a huge step, and having these open, honest conversations beforehand will help you and your partner feel more aligned, prepared, and connected.
You don’t need to have all the answers right now, but discussing these topics early on will help you navigate parenthood as a team.
These conversations are all part of the Pre-Baby Talk. That’s why, when the baby comes, you’ll be ready and prepared for…
…all the love in the world.
What’s one conversation from this list that you’re excited to have with your partner? Let me know in the comments!
Don’t forget to pin this post so you’ll always have these conversation tips handy!
This post showed you the 10 Things to Figure Out Before Starting a Family.
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