This post shows you 12 ways to hold onto your identity while embracing motherhood.
Here are practical tips you can save today and meditate on—they will help you hold onto your identity when becoming a parent.
This is not an exhaustive list; it’s not definitive, and it won’t work for everyone. But it worked for me, and it took me 10 years to decide if I wanted to become a parent.
Motherhood Is Part of You, Not All of You
Mom guilt and mom shame are so deeply rooted in our culture that I don’t even know where to begin to explain why we need to fight them.
But since I’m here to give practical tips on keeping your identity while embracing motherhood, as a philosopher, I need to share this: the idea that motherhood should be your only purpose is a cultural narrative, not a rule.
You can love your baby, enjoy being a mom, and still have your own identity. If every mom’s purpose on this planet were motherhood, we would never have achievements in culture, science, art, or the humanities.
When society tells women that being a mother is the highest calling, it creates pressure to find all fulfillment in parenting. But imagine if you had to find all the fulfillment in your career—that would be wrong, too, right?
You don’t have to find a purpose in motherhood to be a great mom. You can just be a mom and simply enjoy it.
You can have other achievements and enjoy them too. Without the guilt.
You were someone before motherhood, and that someone still matters.
Be Wary of the Productivity Trap
This is something I say pretty often, but anytime there’s pressure, someone is profiting off it, especially when it becomes a default narrative on social media, like the “perfect mom” with a super stylish and clean house, cooking everything from scratch, and looking like a model just weeks after giving birth.
I love all women and all moms, but anything that makes you feel like you’re failing because you’re not being productive enough is not good for you.
So you think what you see on Instagram is real: that you need to buy parenting books, expensive baby gadgets, meal planners, and courses and cook, clean, play, entertain, teach, and still be perfect.
The cycle goes like this: Culture makes us feel inadequate → We try harder → We burn out → We seek solutions → We buy more. It’s intentional. The less pressure you internalize, the happier you’ll be.
You don’t keep up with the pressure. You don’t fight it. You simply don’t accept it.
You don’t have to earn rest with output—being a mom is enough.
You Don’t Have to Monetize Motherhood
This is something I see on social media, and in today’s world, you need to create content to be seen and recognized. But you don’t have to hustle and create content about being a mom. It can be your creative outlet, but it doesn’t have to be something you approach as a job.
If you want that, then you should definitely do it! But don’t feel like less of a mom if you simply create content that you enjoy and don’t make any money or get sponsorships from it.
Not everything has to be productive or profitable. You’re allowed to just exist and create.
Not every passion needs a price tag—your joy is valid on its own.
Take Breaks Without Guilt
I mentioned guilt at the beginning of this article. “Mom guilt” is so deeply rooted in us that sometimes it feels like it’s part of our DNA. But it’s wrong.
If you loved traveling, writing, or binge-watching movies before motherhood, you can still do those things. Maybe not in the same way, but you don’t have to abandon them entirely.
Taking a break doesn’t mean you love your baby less. It means you’re a human who also has needs.
When you do things you love—like hiking, for example—you’re not less of a mom just because someone else is watching your kid. I think, again, that society wants us to feel guilty for having a life so they can manipulate us into thinking we deserve less (so we’ll be obedient at work) and that we don’t deserve happiness (so we’ll buy more to fill the void).
Rest isn’t a reward. It’s a requirement.
Surround Yourself with Like-Minded Voices
If you like my content, then you should definitely bookmark this website and follow me on Pinterest. You should use your social media—whether that’s Pinterest or TikTok—to follow people who inspire you, teach you new things, or simply make you smile.
Unfollow anything that makes you feel “less than.” If certain influencers, mom groups, or media sources make you feel pressured, exhausted, or guilty, it’s okay to step back.
It doesn’t matter if they’re “on the right side” or how popular they are. If they trigger something in you, you need to unfollow them.
Find people who remind you that you’re enough just as you are. And people who inspire you to do things you love.
You deserve a community that sees the whole of you, not just the ‘mom’ parts.
Redefine Success on Your Terms
You already know about the productivity trap—where you tie your self-worth to how productive you are.
But when you redefine success on your own terms, you can truly preserve your identity while embracing motherhood. Success doesn’t have to mean “having it all” or “doing it all.” Maybe success for you is a peaceful home, meaningful relationships, and feeling good in your own skin.
You don’t have to prove your worth by overachieving in motherhood, work, or anything else.
Motherhood reshapes your goals—let that be freedom, not pressure.
Accept That You’re Evolving, Not Disappearing
Everyone says you won’t be exactly the same person after having a child, but that’s not a bad thing. Will your character change? I don’t think so.
Will you be more patient, less concerned about people and things outside of your family, and more focused on your baby? Definitely.
But those changes don’t mean you’re not yourself anymore. You’re evolving, not disappearing. You’re simply growing in new directions while still loving the same music, the same movies, and the same desserts.
You’re not becoming less of yourself just because you’re a mom.
You’re not lost—you’re becoming someone new, layer by layer.
Keep Doing the Things That Make You Feel Like “You”
I mentioned music, movies, and desserts, but really, what’s stopping you from doing things that make you feel like you?
Whether it’s reading, working out, painting, writing, or just having coffee alone, make space for things that bring you joy. It won’t always look the same (you might have to shorten workouts or listen to audiobooks instead of reading), but small efforts help you keep your identity while embracing motherhood.
Just because you had a kid doesn’t mean you can’t feel like a woman, dress up, or wear makeup. Or do what you love, whether that’s gardening or working out.
And when you work on blocking out “mom guilt,” don’t fall into the productivity and hustling trap. You can have time for yourself, even if it’s just 15 minutes a day.
The things that light you up are still allowed to matter.
Make Time for Relationships Outside of Parenting
Stay connected with your partner, friends, and the people who knew you before you had kids. Talk about things other than your baby—your interests, goals, and whatever made you, you, before. And do this without feeling guilty!
You can talk about that new TV show, what makes you feel sexy, or just catch up with your friends about them—whatever you like. It’s okay. Your child is still loved and cherished.
Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Keep up with the things you loved before. You are still you, you just have an amazing new buddy for life!
You still get to be a friend, a partner, a sister—your world is bigger than diapers.
Set Boundaries Around Parenthood Being Your Only Identity
It’s easy to get sucked into the “just a mom” or “just a dad” mindset, but remind yourself (and others) that you’re still a whole person. It’s okay to say, “I love my baby, but I also need space for myself.”
That might mean you don’t want to join online mom groups. That you’d rather spend your free time with your partner and baby instead of doing only “mom things.” Listen, you don’t even have to shop for “mom things.”
I found this pretty silly, but when I started looking for a bigger bag to carry my kid’s diaper and bottle, all of them were labeled as “mom bags.” They had tons of pockets, animals, and pastel colors.
I just wanted something simple and big—something I could take into a meeting while still carrying my baby’s stuff. Makes sense, right? I wanted a bag that worked for both me and my baby, not something that screamed “mom life” in pastel tones.
You don’t have to lead a child-centric life to be a great parent. That’s the catch. You can lead a family-centric life and be an amazing parent! And that’s how you hold onto your identity while embracing motherhood.
You don’t owe anyone a version of motherhood that erases the rest of you.
Give Yourself Permission to Ask for Help
This is a simple tip, but one that’s often overlooked. Feeling like you have to do it all makes it harder to hold onto your identity. Accept help, delegate, and take breaks without guilt. You don’t stop being a good parent just because you need time for yourself.
I made a plan with my husband that we would save and invest so that when we had a kid, he could leave work and be a full-time parent. I have a flexible job where I can work from home, but he’s an architect, and his job requires mornings, nights, and weekends at construction sites. So it made sense for us.
I don’t feel like less of a mom because he does most of the cleaning, diaper changes, and bathing. I’d love to have more time with my baby, but we decided to split responsibilities—and let me tell you, it helped a lot.
Not everyone can do this, I know. But if you have a family member who can help or a neighbor with kids who’s open to sharing babysitting duties, accepting help is okay. You don’t have to do it alone, and you definitely shouldn’t feel guilty about it!
Strong mothers ask for help. It’s not weakness—it’s wisdom.
Remember: Parenthood Adds to You, It Doesn’t Replace You
You’re not becoming someone else—you’re adding another layer to who you already are. You still have your dreams, your passions, and your own story to write.
You’re not starting over. You’re expanding.
As a former “fence-sitter,” I was always debating whether or not motherhood would be such a transformative experience that I would lose my identity, and there’s an incredible woman philosopher who helped me out here. Her name is Anastasia Berg, and you can find her book “What Are Children For? On Ambivalence and Choice“.
Here’s a quote from the book that inspired me to write this article:
“Treating motherhood — or its inverse, being “child-free” — as an identity category can help women make sense of their experience, broadcast its challenges effectively, and find the support they need to navigate it. But it comes at a cost to mothers and non-mothers alike. The assumption of obligatory identity change can imply that our myriad other identities will necessarily be flattened or even lost. For prospective mothers, this can make the decision whether to have children that much more daunting. In such cases, the motherhood “identity” becomes not a liberatory category of self-understanding but yet another source of anxiety.”
What if Motherhood Isn’t Transformative at All? – New York. https://newyork-news.net/2024/06/11/culture/what-if-motherhood-isnt-transformative-at-all/
Preserving your identity while embracing motherhood is part of the Pre-Baby Talk. That’s why, when the baby comes, you’ll be ready and prepared for…
…all the love in the world.
Which of these practical tips do you think are the most important? Let me know in the comments!
Don’t forget to pin this post so you’ll always have these inspirational tips handy!
This post showed you How to Hold On to Your Identity While Embracing Motherhood.
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